My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago and this brought back the fear I’ve had since I was a young kid: I think ever since I was 5 or something, I was at first very fearful then obsessed with the idea of “death”.
Where it came from
I don’t know exactly where this obsession came from.
- It could be from my grandma when she talked about her own mortality.
- It could be from my great grandma’s funeral.
- It could be from the TV when the 1998 flooding killed more than 4000 people in China.
- Or it could be an innate fear for my own safety because when I was a baby I was temporarily given away to a carer.
Why
To be honest, I don’t exactly know how to talk about this or why I have to talk about this.
- One part of it is because this whole ‘death’ thing bothered me for so long, it had formed a part of my identity.
- The other part is because ‘death’ is such a taboo topic in China hence nobody was able to give me the answers; so I hope this article can give some sort of comfort to people like me.
Childhood
I was worried about my grandma’s death when I was around five and I lost sleep because of this.
I’d keep asking my sister on the bed “What if grandma passed away?”, “What would she do?”, “How would she feel?” Most importantly, “What about us?” My older sister was patient enough with me but eventually, she’d fall asleep. Then I’d get out of bed to find my parents and asked them the same questions “Aren’t you worried that grandma is going to die?” My dad would tuck me back in bed without giving much of an answer.
As I got older people started to get angry at me because it is considered “unlucky” in China to bring up “death”.
I literally got slapped once.
I was on a flight with my mum and because of the rainy weather, we had to descend at the nearest airport. So I asked mum why we had to stop. Mum told me that if the airplane kept flying in the rain it would explode. So I thought if the plane touches the rain it would explode and since it was still raining I just kept asking: “Why the plane hasn’t exploded in the rain?” Then I got a slap in the face.
From my young eyes, all these were just absurd. Why was no one worried like me? Why were people so afraid to talk about it?
Teenage years
When I started primary school, this fear of death changed to a motivation to study. Of course, I am Chinese. I heard many sayings such as “If you want to make your parents proud, study hard.” So study became the meaning of my life.
But no, this doesn’t make me a less annoying kid. Having learned my lessons, I started asking my classmate different questions.
- “What is the meaning of life?”
- “What do you think is life’s happiest moment?”
- “What do you think makes life worth living?”
One of them told me the happiest moment in life would be when she is dating a boy she likes. That totally disgusted me by the way because at that age (around twelve) it was unthinkable and almost a crime for me. Not to mention, young love in China is not considered cool.
So I didn’t really get anything out of asking these “meaning of life” questions.
Knowledge is power
It wasn’t until I read Francis Bacon’s essay <On Death> where he said
“Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children, is increased with tales, so is the other.” — Francis Bacon
It was at this moment I realized this thing I’ve feared for so long — I don’t even know what it is. How silly is that?
This kinda put a pause on my rumination over death and it was this time my family moved to Australia when I was 16. I was busy with my teenage hormones. A lot was happening with life so I forgot about death temporarily.
Oh, one thing also helped. In years 11 and 12 I was this science nerd. Science gave me certain comfort when I learned: Matters cannot be created nor destroyed. So, in a sense, we don’t really die, I just exist in different forms?
I also learned that death is a process and sometimes unnoticeable. For example, our skin cells regenerate every month. I also found gratitude for my body knowing how hard the different parts are working for me. Since my body is a host for many other living organisms (yes germs included), I started to feel less lonely in my ongoing, dying process.
Re-thinking death in my 20s
In my 20s I was quite depressed and had suicidal thoughts. And it was surprising for me right? I was so scared of death all my life and how can I be seeking death? Of course, it occurred to me that death is not the scariest thing, it is a life not worth living that is scary.
After I overcame depression in recent years, as I grieve a version of me that is forever gone; I realized the past me is dead. And this “death” felt damn good.
My lessons about death
Now I am still scared of death of course. What carries me through the fear of death is that:
Death is a process and it is happening now. It will continue long after my physical body is gone as people who share the same purpose continue to live and those who remember me carry a part of me forward.
Now it is the fear of not living that haunts me, not death itself. It is this fear of what if I never got to do what I want, say what I want, stand up for what I believe in, fulfill my dream, and above all, know who I am.
